Treehouse of Horror XXVIII…?
by Manchester
Summary: You really have to wonder. A cult cartoon tv show nearly thirty years old with over 600 episodes parodying American popular culture, and they never did BtVS? Not even for Halloween? Well, that's gonna change in late 2017!


Author's Note: You really have to wonder. A cult cartoon tv show nearly thirty years old with over 600 episodes parodying American popular culture, and they never did BtVS? Not even for Halloween? Well, that's gonna change in late 2017!

* * *

The television screen changes from darkness to show a Springfield cemetery in the middle of the night. An Englishman's voice – a definitely familiar voice – begins intoning an equally familiar quote.

"In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer."

A young girl leaping into the scene lands lightly on her feet onto the ground in the center section where several gravestones are grouped together and freezes there in a martial arts pose while the superimposed title credit appears:

LISA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Looking around alertly, an eight-year-old Lisa Simpson in her regular orange dress watches while several people emerge out from their graves, dirt falling off them to reveal a variety of Springfield citizens. Among them are Cletus Spuckler, Bumblebee Man, Marvin Monroe, and Nelson Muntz.

Marvin points at Lisa and yells, "That's the Slayer! Get her!"

Every one of the people from the graves now have their faces change into ridged features with yellow eyes and fangs.

They all rush towards Lisa, who just says archly, "'Get her'? Can't we try something new? Like, say, 'Assault the gorgeous girl with heaps of fashion style to totally die for?'"

The vampires keep on advancing quickly, but Lisa moves even faster, jumping over Cletus and kicking the back of his head so hard along the way that he slams face-first into the ground and slides right into a gravestone, shattering this into multiple pieces that fall onto Cletus, permanently taking care of him.

Lisa continues to jump around and over the other vampires with superhuman agility, doing all sorts of twirls, cartwheels, and somersaults so as to stay out of these monsters' clutches. In fact, Lisa then continuously performs a mid-air somersault again and again, spinning there without any visible means of support like only a cartoon character can.

Recognizing this, Marvin stands there, fists on his pudgy hips, observing with actual disapproval, "Oh, come on, that's just showing off!"

Ceasing her somersault to drop upright onto the ground, Lisa happily agrees, "Yeah, it's time for you to be dusted now, okay? Hold it right there—"

With blurring speed, Lisa pulls out from somewhere in her dress a pair of stakes in both hands and throws these both with incredible force at Bumblebee Man and Marvin Monroe. Passing entirely through their bodies at chest level, both vampires crumble into ashes.

Drawing another stake, Lisa stalks towards Nelson, who nervously backs up. He tries, "Hey, hey, Lisa, you know me! Nelson, the guy you dated for a while, remember?"

"Yeah," Lisa nods, "however, that was when you were only human and not a nasty juvenile delinquent bully out to murder innocent victims to drink their blood."

She pauses, thinking it over. "Um, maybe not so different…"

Shrugging, Lisa next tells Nelson, "Sorry, but when you died and became a vampire, that made you part of my Slayer duties. Say hello to Mr. Pointy!"

With her stake, Lisa then stabs Nelson in the heart who also promptly turns into ashes which drop off-screen. Looking satisfied, Lisa stares sternly into the distance, obviously renewing her vows to protect and safeguard the unaware citizens of Springfield—

"Ha-ha!" comes from out of nowhere in Nelson's unmistakable mocking laugh.

Astonished, Lisa looks down in a pulled-back scene to see she's standing next to a pile of ashes from which now utters in Nelson's sing-song voice, "I see London, I see France, I can see your—"

In a swift movement, Lisa stomps hard with one foot into the ashes which disappear in a cloud, accompanied by the Slayer's angry growl.

* * *

It's now daylight, and an establishing shot of the easily recognizable Simpson house as seen from the outside appears. The Englishman's voice which we heard before – who is apparently the Narrator – speaks again.

"Observe this quite common American suburban dwelling. Ordinarily, nobody would think such a mundane residence to be the home of the Slayer, but it's indeed true. In order to protect both her identity and her family, Miss Simpson does her best to pretend to be a completely average girl despite the occasional exceedingly strange events taking place during her usual everyday activities. An example of both situations is now about to take place, as a matter of fact."

We're presently viewing the inside of the Simpson house. To be specific, the kitchen where Lisa walks past the center table from the left side of the screen to the other, stopping to open the refrigerator and take out a sack lunch. Turning around while closing the refrigerator door and holding the paper bag, Lisa retraces her steps to walk out of the kitchen. During all this, she cheerfully announces, "See you after school, Mom! 'Bye!"

At no point whatsoever does Lisa seem to notice how Marge Simpson seated at the kitchen table looks to be very, very dead. That is, slumped lifelessly in her chair, staring ahead unblinkingly with half-closed bulbous eyes, jaw fallen open with a limp tongue dangling out the side of her mouth…

The Narrator clears his throat while the camera continues to focus on Marge's corpse presently the only occupant of the kitchen. "Ahem. Yes, Lisa's mother recently passed away, but there's an actual reason for the Slayer's lack of reaction to this tragedy. It has to do with…oh, never mind. Listen, we're not going to condense seven years of the original version into a mere eight-minute cartoon segment! Just take my word for it; there'll be a sufficient amount of dramatic angst in the near future regarding it, thank you very much. Shall we continue, please?"

The scene changes again. At the front door, Lisa opens this to see waiting out on the doorstop two other children about her own age. One is a boy and his companion is a girl, with both of them closely resembling two actors with the initials of AH and NB if they were drawn much younger with yellow skin. And no chins.

"Hi, guys!" Lisa happily greets the pair. She regards with sudden puzzlement how the boy is wearing a black eyepatch on the left side of his face. "What happened to your eye, Xander? Did you hurt it?"

Xander reaches up with his four-fingered hand to flick up the eyepatch, revealing a definitely intact and undamaged eye. "Oh, no. It's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."

Another scene change, with the trio now walking side-by-side on the sidewalk towards Springfield Elementary. Over this, the unseen Narrator explains.

"These children are Lisa's best friends who know her secret of being the Slayer and assist her nightly in battling against the supernatural forces of evil. Over time, this has resulted in some rather peculiar repercussions to each of them. The young lad whose name is Xander Harris has been mystically possessed several times along with some other physical changes also happening to him."

In the middle of his walk, Xander abruptly transforms into a half-boy, half-hyena. A split-second later, another transformation occurs for him, into a pint-sized Creature from the Black Lagoon. Just as quickly, he changes back to his normal form and keeps on walking. Throughout everything, the adjusted eyepatch stayed in place.

"As for Willow Rosenberg," the Narrator goes on, "she's become an extremely powerful witch capable of casting numerous impressive spells notwithstanding her tender years and an intense fear of frogs."

Across the street, a small amphibian hops out into view from under a bush planted in someone's front yard. This green-skinned animal stops short at a girl's sudden terrified scream off-screen: "FROG! FROG! DIEEEEEEEEE!"

An awesome bolt of pure magical energy sizzles horizontally across the screen, leaving the front yard scorched black and nothing but a polished skeleton left of the frog.

The scene then pulls back to reveal Hans Moleman at the far right side of the yard holding a severed garden hose with one hand and staring in disbelief at how his entire house is now a charred ruin. He mumbles, "But I had it painted only last week…"

Back to the three children still heading to school, Lisa just rolls her eyes. Xander is now towing by her hand Willow floating a couple inches off the sidewalk, her hair glowing pure white.

He soothingly tells her, "Willow, the frog's gone. Think happy thoughts, okay? That should calm you down enough so nobody in class notices you doing the magic thing."

In a dreamy tone, Willow responds, "Well, there was this one time at band camp—"

"Wrong happy thought, Wils, way too much old for you."

The kids now enter the elementary school with Willow once more walking on her own. Suddenly, the trio stops short just beyond the front door, with Lisa warily eyeing something ahead of them.

At the other end of the corridor, Bart Simpson is standing there, arms crossed over his chest and a very cold, calculating look upon his face. From one side, Montgomery Burns himself, the richest man in Springfield, steps into view behind Bart and lays a possessive hand onto Bart's shoulder, all while sending his own malevolent stare at Lisa, Willow, and Xander.

The camera tightens onto Lisa's face, then the shot changes to Bart's own close-up.

Yet another camera zoom-in on Lisa's eyes, which narrow. So does Bart's eyes when the scene shifts to him.

 _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_ musical theme plays.

A horde of other students then streams into the corridor, blocking the sight of Bart and Mr. Burns. When the kids all scatter into the classrooms, this mentioned pair is no longer evident anywhere in the corridor.

From behind Lisa, Willow and Xander let out their held breaths. Xander then chatters, "Boy, I thought we were gonna throw down then and there! That would've blown for sure our big plan to take care of ol' Monty when he changes to one huge snake demon later this afternoon at the school speech. Was that the first time you've seen your brother since he went over to the dark side- OW!"

Willow just whacked Xander's head real hard with her hand, next hissing at him, "Xander! Don't say things like that around Lisa!"

Hearing this, Lisa looks sad for a moment before rallying to tell her friends, "We'll just have to wait and see until the speech. Go on to class, I'll meet you there after talking to my Watcher. Maybe he's found something to help us win against Mr. Burns."

Lisa leaves Xander and Willow, heading down another school corridor. The Narrator then mentions:

"If you need an explanation about the Slayer's Watcher, this person is usually sent by the Watchers' Council, a secret organization dedicated to supporting the Slayer. Unfortunately, Miss Simpson's original Watcher, a fine, upstanding chap named Rupert Giles, was staunchly informed by her father that he wasn't going to allow a strange man to keep company at all hours with his daughter. Going to telephone the Watchers' Council about this, Mr. Giles was struck and killed by a Springfield hit-and-run driver. Compounding the ensuing idiotic muddle, Homer Simpson then somehow became his child's Watcher…at _three_ times the normal salary paid for this!"

The last was irately snarled by the Narrator, just when Lisa opens the school library door and stares in horrified shock at what's presented at the librarian's desk.

Homer Simpson, seated behind the desk, now appears in an identical lifeless posture as his wife in their home. There's the same slumping body, the glazed eyes in their half-closed position, and the dangling tongue—

"DAD!" shrieks Lisa, who runs to the desk and starts fiercely shaking her father.

"What? Who? Huh?" gabbles Homer Simpson, abruptly coming to life. He grimaces, smacks his lips, and glances at Lisa after she backs up a step or two. "I just closed my eyes for a second!"

Lisa regards her dad with utter exasperation. "You've been here all night! Did you go right to sleep after we left without even trying to find a way to defeat Mr. Burns?"

"Of course not!" Homer indignantly denies. "I had a quick snack of microwaved pizza in the middle of looking through some thick boring book, and then all I remember is you waking me up!"

He lifts his right hand to show Lisa how the remnant of a melted pizza slice clutched in his fingers there is now glued to the pages of a timeworn volume. Before Lisa can say anything, Homer then grabs hold of the book with his other hand and yanks his adhered hand free, sending torn pages flying everywhere.

The Narrator makes choking noises, which soon turn into, "That was a priceless Watchers' manuscript on demons at least three centuries old, you bloody—!"

Lisa doesn't pay any attention to that, merely sighing and facepalming herself. However, a very puzzled Homer peers upward at the ceiling. Still holding the ruined book in one hand, Homer throws it in a mighty pitch at somewhere high in the school library.

There's the abrupt sound of an object striking human flesh, followed by a yelp of pain from the Narrator.

"What was _that_ for?" Lisa wants to know.

Homer points at the ceiling. "Didn't you hear him?"

"Him who?" blankly replies Lisa. She next shakes her head to dismiss the whole subject. "Look, I have to be in class. Mr. Burns is going to give a speech to the whole school at the back playground at lunchtime. You've got until then to find something useful in the rest of the books left by the other Watcher who got run over!"

"Fine, fine," Homer grumbles. He eyes his daughter leaving, to next mutter under his breath, "If I'd known there'd be all this reading, this stupid Watcher crapola could've been dumped on someone else for all I cared!"

Reluctantly gathering up some books from the pile on his desk, Homer gazes down in sympathy at his stomach when it loudly growls with hunger. "Yeah, maybe there'll be donuts in the teachers' lounge…mmm, donuts—"

There's an interrupting knock on the library door, which is promptly pushed opened before Homer can ask who it is.

Wheeling in a handcart carrying several cardboard boxes, Otto Mann, the school bus driver, amiably tells Homer, "Yo, dude, got an extra-grande delivery for you from the new General Chang's Taco Italiano."

"I didn't order anything!" Homer protests.

Otto just shrugs. "Not my problem, dude. Maybe someone had the wrong address, but there's six boxes crammed full of gnarly almost-beef tacos with mucho bean sauce and nobody gave me a bill for this. You don't want any of it, I'll be glad to take 'em off your hands—"

This time, it's Homer's turn to hastily break in, "No, wait! It just slipped my mind, but yeah, I send for take-out from General Chang's! You can leave it there!"

This results in another good-natured shrug from Otto who yanks the handcart out from under the stack of grease-dripping boxes. He exits the library, calling over his shoulder, "Hang loose, big dude!"

Homer doesn't notice. Instead, he's fixedly gazing at the heap of fast-food containers, saliva beginning to trickle out of the corners of his mouth.

"Mmm, tacos…"

Several hours later, Lisa, Willow, and Xander are at the forefront of the crowd of children waiting at the playground. A portable stage set up earlier by Groundskeeper Willie holds most of the school's teachers, but the man of the hour hasn't appeared yet. This is good for the Slayer and her friends since they're really becoming worried about not hearing from Lisa's dad.

"He never showed up at any of your classes?" asks a dumbfounded Willow.

Lisa sighs, "No. I actually thought he'd be here already!" She looks around at the crowd with growing disappointment.

"No big," Xander hopefully reassures the two girls. "I set up my own plan with the guys. Worse comes to worse—"

"You talking about me?"

The trio spin around in unison to see Bart Simpson smirking at them. With a superior sniff, this spiky-haired boy announces, "From what I've been listening to, none of you have any idea at all about beating Mr. Burns. Isn't it lucky I know how?"

"What?!" came from the gawking trio.

Lisa then glares at Bart. "Are you saying you fooled everyone by pretending to join him? We thought you'd turned completely evil!"

"Well, it wasn't all that much of a stretch, honestly," observes Xander, earning him a very dirty look from Bart. Ignoring Xander, the Simpson sibling turns to Lisa.

"Look, whatever's gonna happen, it'll be soon. When it does, find me and then lure Mr. Burns into the school. What I'll give you should take care of the whole problem."

This time, all of them are glaring suspiciously at Bart. Willow is the first to say, "Why should we trust you? You're the biggest troublemaker in Springfield!"

Bart snaps back, "Yeah, and from the sound of things, once Mr. Burns really gets going, there won't _be_ anything left of our hometown! That a good enough reason? You want me to do the pinky swear?"

The other children trade doubtful expressions, to next make a clear decision. Without another word, Xander, Lisa, and Willow present their curled pinkies. One by one, Bart interlocks and shakes his own little finger with each of them.

Just after they finish with this, a round of applause comes from the temporary stage. The four kids look over there to see Montgomery Burns totter towards the microphone stand. Tapping it, the aged owner of Springfield's nuclear power plant asks with an accompanying feedback squeal, "Is this thing on?"

Nodding in satisfaction, Mr. Burns then addresses the young crowd. "My, my, don't you all look good enough to eat! You may think that's just an expression, but actually I've been waiting a full fifty years to say that! Now, I could just fully explain my wicked scheme for you to appreciate every detail, but I'm feeling rather peckish at the moment. So, without further ado…"

The camera zooms closer towards Burns' unlovely face, which then becomes even more horrible when it swells up along with the rest of his body transforming into that of a huge snake. Rearing up with a gloating hiss, the supernatural serpent enjoys the terrified screams of his audience.

Principal Skinner heroically rushes out onto the stage and puts up his dukes while the other teachers make their own hasty escape. Addressing the enormous beast, this school administrator announces, "Don't despair, children! Get to safety while I use the Green Beret training learned during my Vietnam service to combat this monster!"

With a swift downwards strike, Mr. Burns opens his fanged mouth and swallows Principal Skinner in one gulp. From the descending bulge in the snake's throat comes a quite discouraged admission by this recently-devoured man: "I have to say, that worked just as ineffectively as it did back in the sixties."

Xander then tries his own gambit, yelling out to everyone in the vicinity, "Okay, people, time for Plan B!"

The rest of the students one and all scatter in every direction at their fastest possible run, wailing at the top of their lungs for Mommy and Daddy to come save them. Only four of these youngsters stay where they are.

Bart incredulously asks, " _That_ was Plan B? You couldn't come up with something, I dunno, which would actually work better?"

"What are we, teenagers who could get their hands on some real weapons?" retorts Xander. He pauses to quietly say, "Ooops," looking past Bart.

The others turn to where Xander is staring, only to see Mr. Burns eyeing them with definite hunger. Lisa then hears the scratch of a match from Bart's vicinity, to next have something round pressed in her hands.

The Slayer glances down at what she's now holding to see she's just been presented with a lit cherry bomb.

Regarding her brother with genuine shock, Lisa is told by him, "Get going! Mr. Burns can't help chasing you, even into the school! When you're in there, run to the library and toss that firecracker through the door, then get out as fast as you can!"

"Why would it—"

Mr. Burns' roar of "TIME FOR YOU TO DIE, SLAYER!" cuts off any further discussion.

Taking to her heels, Lisa dashes towards the school's rear entrance. Looking over her shoulder along the way, she's glad to see the snake rapidly slithering after her pays no attention to Bart, Xander, and Willow. Bringing her head around, Lisa crashes through the rear doors, still holding the cherry bomb now having a very short fuse.

Behind her comes an even bigger crash of Mr. Burns forcing himself into the school corridor after that disrespectful child who won't stand still enough to be properly eaten.

In the library, Homer Simpson is lolling on the floor, surrounded by empty boxes and stained taco paper wraps. His stomach now three times its normal size, this man blearily grins up at the ceiling now just barely discernible past the greenish fog pervading the entire room.

A thunderous _FFFRRRRRRRRT!_ noise echoes throughout the library. For some reason, the green fog thickens even more.

Patting his increased girth, Homer pays no heed to the approaching sounds of destruction. He does notice, though, how the library door is abruptly yanked open and a small object comes sailing in, bouncing several times upon the floor before coming to a stop just two inches from Homer's nose when he tilts his head to look at what just disturbed him.

The burning cherry bomb fuse disappears entirely into the firecracker's core.

A quick camera cut shows all of Springfield Elementary's windows blowing out in a majestic explosion, accompanied by the building's roof ascending in flames and smoke towards the sky.

Another camera cut shows Lisa, Willow, Xander, and Bart lying flat on their stomachs on the school playground, hands wrapped protectively over their heads as smoldering debris rains down amongst the neighborhood.

Lisa yells at her brother, "Dad was in there!"

"He'll be okay," responds an unconcerned Bart. "Nothing known to man can kill Homer Simpson, not even all the most disgusting tacos in the world that I charged to his credit card."

Sure enough, a scorched Homer lacking most of his clothes lands with a loud _thud!_ next to the kids.

Blinking dazedly, he announces to them, "Lisa, honey, I'm quitting as your Watcher. Maybe I can get my job back at the power plant—"

An even louder _SPLAT!_ is made by Mr. Burns' decapitated snake head landing next to Homer.

Without missing a beat, he finishes, "—or maybe not."

Getting up to their feet, the small group regards the razed wasteland around themselves. Xander mentions to Willow, "Looks like you'll be going to a new school without me. I've been meaning to tell you this, but I couldn't find the right occasion. Dad got transferred to some town in California, so we'll be leaving soon."

"Where?" a shocked Willow wants to know.

"A place called Sunnydale."

"Hooray!" the red-haired girl squeals with sudden glee. That's the same city where my parents are going to be lecturing at the university! We'll still be best friends together there!"

The pair promptly hug each other, only to remember someone else. Still in their hug, they look with concern over at where Lisa the Vampire Slayer is with her own family.

She just smiles a bit sadly at them both. "Don't worry, I'll still have Dad and Bart looking after me when I'm out Slaying. Not Mom, though."

From on high, the Narrator declares, "Ah-hah! Finally, time for the dramatic angst!"

Lisa, Bart, and Homer Simpson now sniffle in shared anguish over the loss of their dearly-beloved mother and spouse.

Fade out. Roll cast credits with their Halloween name changes.

 _The Narrator: Anthony Stewed Head_

 _Willow: Alyson Hauntedigan_

 _Xander: Nicholas Brainsssdon_


End file.
